So How Are You, Really???

I've had people ask me this question, and I'm sure many others who are wondering. It's not a secret that the journey we've been on has been a difficult one. We've gone from "surprise, we're pregnant" back in 2008 to "just kidding, we lost our baby" to "hmmmm...weird, we're not getting pregnant again and don't know why" to "we've always wanted to adopt...let's start the process now!" Then came two failed adoptions, falling in love with precious foster kids and grieving the loss of them when they leave our home, to our current journey of an incredible open adoption of a precious baby boy that we love so much it literally hurts. And the reason it hurts is because we are still surrounded by the black cloud of uncertainty regarding our future with him, which completely contradicts how perfect the situation seems apart from that black cloud. Samuel is absolutely thriving here, we have an open adoption with his birthmom and her family that I honestly believe sets the bar for what I'd call an ideal open adoption situation. Yet, each day that passes...Steve and I still can't bring ourselves to even call Samuel our son (like we'd jinx it or something?) and my heart aches at the possibility that he may not remain in our home for the long haul. Don't get me wrong, I know that every single day is a blessing with him and we are soaking up every second.  But we want so badly to plan for the future as a family, and yet my heart is so afraid to do that, because we've seen only disappointment so far.  My heart is so full of happiness for friends who have been blessed with kids, whether biological, through adoption, or fostering which has resulted in adoption...yet, I long so much for our turn.  If I'm completely honest, it makes me question a lot of things...does God really love me? Am I really meant to be a mommy?  Anyone that sees Steve and me with these kids that have been in our home would see just how much we love being parents...it feels so right, Steve is seriously the BEST daddy ever, and being a mother is a desire I've had in my heart since I was a little girl. Yet, with the fact that none of them have "stuck" so far...it's so difficult not to question it.  Just like if enough people tell you you're ugly, you can't help but start to believe it, ya know?  My heart goes from excitement over the impact our story has on people, to anticipation of an amazing miracle God can do through Samuel's case (and celebration over miracles He's already done!), to despair when I think about how much I love this little boy and how much it hurts to think that there's a possibility we'll lose him if God doesn't choose to answer our prayers the way we're hoping, to stupid jealousy of others' happy endings (ick), then guilt because of the jealousy, loneliness because this is not something others can or should be expected to understand, and so many more emotions. It's such a roller coaster. And I know I need to be so grateful for every moment...but I am also so afraid because every moment that passes could be a moment closer to my heart being ripped out. It's so awful to say, but my prayers are mixed with "God, I know you can do this miracle...please show yourself mighty!" and "God, if you are going to take him away from us, please stop dragging this out because every day we love him even more and I can't imagine losing him...just get it over with so we can grieve and move on."  I really don't mean that in a "giving up" sort of way (we have made it pretty clear that as long as God blesses us with Samuel in our home, we're going to fight for him...and have been blessed with many supporters--both prayerfully and financially--so that we can continue to do so), but as a "please, Lord, spare my heart from having to go through this hurt again."  I feel like I'm begging God to move quickly because I just don't know how much more I can take of the uncertainty. My heart may literally explode, or shut down, or something. Seriously. So there you have it. Raw, unedited (not necessarily pretty, I realize) truth to how I am coping (or, at times, not coping...haha!). We so appreciate your continued prayers, encouragement, and just the fact that you're willing to walk this crazy journey with us. I am pretty sure I'd be a puddle on the floor if we didn't have such great support. Next attempt at a court hearing...June 19th. Praying for miracles and God's protection over this amazing little boy. The roller coaster continues...