This is one of those "just things that are on my heart" blog entries. Cuz that is part of what a blog is for, right?
It's no secret that Steve and I are SO SO SO excited to be parents. Our original plan (more for practical purposes) was to wait until Steve graduates and then start our family. Then...surprise! We got pregnant in April 2008. Man, we were so happy and excited about that. I have wanted to be a mom since I was, well, probably 3 :) Then...miscarriage. Unexpected. Awful. Devastating. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. But still, we had hope. We got pregnant "on accident" the first time, so we'll just wait the prescribed time and start trying again, right? No problem. Well, turns out God is working on us in the meantime and here we are...November 2009, and still no baby, no pregnancy, nothing. I'm not going to lie when I say it is starting to ache as I find out every week that another person (or 2 or 3) is pregnant. Such happy news. Getting so hard to hear. Frustrated with myself for feeling less than ecstatic with each additional one. Wishing I could get that "head over heels excited" feeling back.
On the other hand. We have always planned to adopt. Our hearts are so on fire for it...more now than ever (and I don't consider it a "plan b," but previously, it's been more of a "wait until we have biological kids and then save up and adopt later" kind of thing). We are starting to wonder if God is leading us in that direction now. That maybe we aren't getting pregnant because there is a child that God wants to bless us with via adoption and we wouldn't pursue that avenue yet if we had biological kids first. We are starting to analyze everything. We know that there are many practical reasons to wait to start the process (though we know that it is a lengthy process), such as the fact that Steve graduates in May and we don't know where we will be ending up. Or the fact that we don't have the finances set aside yet. Or that we want this SO badly that we don't want it to be our own desires, but the Lord's leading, and when it is such a strong desire, how can you tell? BUT...we also know that we don't serve a God that works only in the practical realm. He is the God of the Universe! In fact, He does His most awesome work when things seem quite impractical or impossible. So we don't want to underestimate what He can and will do if it is truly His leading.
I want to be obedient, and I want to further God's kingdom. I want to be fruitful and multiply, regardless of the avenue. Most of all, I want to be a mommy. I am having a hard time being patient...
