Lessons We're Learning in the Battle

I just posted this on our Facebook prayer page, but wanted to post it here, too, so I have a reminder to go back to over and over again. God is teaching me lots these days in terms of waiting on Him and resting in Him alone.  :)

There is a scripture passage by Paul that has been really sticking out to me lately. I have many friends that have had a much smoother road to parenthood, whether through adoption, fostering-to-adoption, or even births of several biological children (or even on a less-than-smooth road, their panic moments may have been shorter, and closure has come more quickly) and I admit to being tempted to question God's love for me in the process. Silly, I know, but we've heard many success stories and while we rejoice with each one, we're at the point that those just aren't helpful when trying to compare with our own journey because it's just a further reminder that God hasn't taken away our "thorn" yet, and Satan can so easily invade my mind with thoughts of "see, God obviously loves them, but not you"...they are blatant lies, but when we see our circumstances above the Truth of God's word, we can be tempted to believe them. Comparison is such a dangerous thing. Anyone else struggle with this? I'm sure each of you have your own personal struggles as well that Satan can use (he is so good at helping us compare our unique story to others' stories, isn't he? Sneaky and wrong). But if we keep our focus on the attributes of God, and who He is -- not just "what can He do for me?" even though we certainly are blessed by God in immeasurable ways, too! Anyone see that gorgeous sunset last night? But that's not the only time we should praise Him. We need praise Him simply because He is worthy of our praise. Not always easy to put in practice, but so worth it. I guess that's why they call it a "sacrifice of praise" sometimes. Anyhow, so in this looooooong trial of Samuel's adoption journey, I admit I've questioned why God hasn't ended it for us yet. I see the hundreds of lives touched by his story, and I know that we should be honored to be used in that way (and we are), but the human side of me can be ugly and selfish and just "want our turn for a happy ending." I was thinking about this past year and every single terrifying obstacle we've had, and even though God hasn't delivered us completely with a finalized adoption (yet), He has been more than faithful in bringing us through every single scary moment, and even giving us many unexpected blessings along the way. Remember a year ago when Jessica first set up this prayer page? We were having a routine visit with Samuel's birthmom and family in Tulsa, and it turned into a possibility of losing Samuel that week because of some court filings that happened to go through at the same time (filings which turned out to be incorrect, of course, but still scary!). But God! He allowed Samuel to come home with us that week, and we've had an entire year of similar miracles! As we near the (hopeful) end of this journey, we are getting so antsy and our minds are constantly thinking "enough already!!" but God is not through with Samuel's miraculous story quite yet. Even still, there is absolutely no question that He's walking every step of the way with us, giving us victories along the way. If you are struggling with something and wondering why others seem to have an easier time with something that is your biggest thorn (everyone's "thorn" is different)...don't let Satan lie to you and tell you God just must not love you as much then. God is working in our biggest weaknesses to show His grace and power. Does it make it fun? Absolutely not. But today I pray I can begin to have Paul's attitude more and more as we walk through this (I've attended more pity parties this past 5 years than I care to admit). He says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10: "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." This is good stuff, folks! I hope you all had a blessed Christmas, and as always, thank you for being warriors for Samuel (and us!). You are the best!

Remembering "The Call"...

One year ago today, I was on my way to a facial appointment (hmmm...I should have done that again to commemorate, hehe) and got a phone call from Crisis Pregnancy Outreach that changed our lives. We'd been chosen as an adoptive family by a birthmom who happened to be due on our wedding anniversary! Later that afternoon, we got to meet the most incredible woman over Skype, and hit it off immediately. 

Many of you know we've had a couple failed adoptions before this, but this call was different. When we "met" H over skype, I felt like we'd already been friends and known each other. From that first call, we've formed an incredible bond that is hard to describe. God has made beauty from ashes in a tough, unfair situation, and H made an incredibly selfless choice for her son. We love sweet H more than words can say, and are just so thankful God brought our paths together through a precious, ornery, amazing, thriving little boy.  

I will never forget the day we got "the call"...we continue to pray that God is working in the hearts of Samuel's birthfather and family, and that we will get to finalize this adoption soon, this time of uncertainty can end, and we can (officially) be a family. Keep those prayers coming, friends. Love you all!

It's About That Time...Adoption Fundraiser Time!!!

When we began this adoption process, we set aside funds for the adoption fee as well as home study fees, attorney fees, etc. Unfortunately, this has turned into a larger legal battle than we’d planned for, so we are in need of some additional funds.  We truly believe God is fighting this battle for us, and as long as He continues to provide the resources (which He certainly has to this point), we will fight for this precious boy.  We certainly don’t view these ongoing legal fees as a problem, but they are now definitely a matter that needs to be addressed. The amount of funds needed might be a BIG amount, but so is our God. And He is also the protector of the weak, which we’re believing for in Samuel’s case. And when He calls you to adopt, He also provides you with the resources to do so. We don’t believe He’s called us this far just to give up.

So here we are, needing to raise some money.
And we’re super excited about how we’re going to do it!

Here’s how it works:

§  We have four puzzles, 285 pieces each (for a total of 1,140 pieces), custom made with the designs from the t-shirt contest and/or pictures of this precious baby boy.

§  For $10, a person/family purchases 1 piece of the jigsaw puzzle.

§  You can purchase as many puzzle pieces as you wish!
$10 = 1 piece
$50 = 5 pieces
$100 = 10 pieces

§  We will write the name of the person/family on the back of the piece(s) purchased.

§  As the puzzle pieces are purchased, we will take pictures to show the progress (how’s that for alliteration? Haha!).

§  When all the pieces have been purchased we will frame the puzzles to display in our home as a reminder of the support and love shown to us during the adoption process.

§  We’ll frame each completed puzzle in a two-sided frame to show not only the beautiful designs and pictures, but also the names of each and every person who played a role in this journey.

§  100% of the funds donated will go directly to adoption fees.

We are crazy about the idea and meaning behind this fundraiser, though we can’t take credit for the idea, as we found it on Pinterest (from this blog). We absolutely LOVE the idea of Samuel growing up looking at the puzzle-art on his wall that was designed with love by people wanting to support his cause...and then flipping it over to show him a tangible reminder of just how many people were helping to fight this battle to keep him home and safe with us. Oh man, it’s just so cool to think about, isn't it?

Soooooooo...If you and/or anyone you know would be interested in taking part in this adventure, we’ve set up a P.O. Box so that checks can be sent directly and there will be no privacy issues (just because of a safety-issue involved in our particular case). And, that way, we can all share this fundraiser with anyone willing to listen!

Checks can be sent directly to:

Steve and Liesl Irwin

P.O. Box 861211

Shawnee, KS 66286-1211 
** Update: We have moved as of January 2014, so this address is no longer valid; however, our legal battle continues. If you feel led to participate in this fundraiser, please comment with your email address and I'll be happy to send you our address! Or, you can also use paypal (info is below). Thanks so much!

**Update: If you prefer to use PayPal, our email address for that is liesllynn (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Please know that all money raised will go directly into our adoption fund to be used for our ongoing legal expenses involved in Samuel’s case. Also, I have to mention as I have before that we don’t know how this case will turn out. We do pray for complete victory and that we’ll have the privilege of raising Samuel as our son, as his brave and amazing birthmom chose us to do. But without this fundraising, we wouldn’t even be able to continue to fight this legal battle for that chance, so we are beyond grateful for you all. And we sure appreciate your continued prayers...more than you even know.

“And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19

Been Awhile...ok, a Looooong while...

Boy, has our life been a roller coaster. Not that that's anything new...life's been an adventure since we've been married (maybe I should have been more careful when I told Steve after our first date "I can't wait 'til our next adventure"). Haha.  This roller coaster has been an emotional one, but not one that I'd take with anyone else but my love, Steve. He is truly my God-given gift, and my rock here on earth.

Back when we had our last failed adoption, I dragged my feet in getting our Home Study update done (call it my 31-year-old version of a toddler tantrum). I was frustrated with God, and afraid to hope again. But as much as I begged God to give us peace about closing the door to adoption (crazy how closing the door to a dream of parenthood sounded much easier than hoping and being disappointed again, huh? But it did)...God never gave us the peace to give up. So we contacted our social worker to come and do our "update" interview. That day, our life changed as well. We were called with a foster care placement of a 10-day-old baby boy. One that would change our world for the better, and one that would stay with us for almost 10 glorious months. Dillon changed our lives, and we've been so blessed to be welcomed as family by his birth family...we still are close to them and look forward to maintaining that wonderful relationship and watching precious Dillon grow up!  The day he went home to his birthdad was a bittersweet day for us, but literally as we were walking out the door of their house (praising God that it was not a "forever" goodbye!), we got a call for another foster placement. This time, a one-week-old baby girl, baby "E." Oh, how we loved her as well, and we were blessed to have her in our home for almost 2 months before she was moved to another foster home in Missouri where her siblings were staying. I won't lie and say I don't want to keep every single kiddo that comes into our home, but we praise God for the opportunity to love these kids while we have the chance and pray for our family to be expanded with "forever kiddos" one day soon.  Which leads to the next adventure.

The week after Dillon went home to his Daddy and Grandparents, we got a call from Crisis Pregnancy Outreach. We'd been chosen again by a birthmom, and she wanted to "interview" us via Skype that day.  August 29, 2012, will be a day that I will remember forever. I'd scheduled a facial that morning, and got the call when I was on my way out there. I called Steve to give him a brief rundown before my appointment, and then thought about this incredible news throughout my entire one-hour facial. It was surreal.  I got home and the rest of the day was a blur. We had another phone conference (for something else) immediately before our Skype call with this birthmother, and the events of that day just FLEW by.  When we began our Skype call with "H," it was as if I was talking to a dear friend...I felt like we hit it off that quickly (at least that's how it was on our side...I can't speak for "H," haha!).  She is one of the most fabulous women I have known, and what I'd always hoped for in a birthmother for an open adoption. We pursued open adoption for a reason, to build a relationship with the birth families of our precious babies, and the fact that "H" feels like my sister could not be any more special and perfect.

A couple weeks later, September 11, I went down to Tulsa (with 3 1/2 week old baby "E" in tow) to meet "H" in person for the first time. Again, it was like I was meeting a dear friend. I got to go to a Dr. Appt. with her and then we had a coffee date...I seriously did not want our time to end. She gave me ultrasound pictures to take home with me, pictures of the most handsome baby boy I'd ever seen in utero. Can't even describe what a blessing she's been to us since the first time we talked.  We headed to Tulsa on October 7th, in preparation for the arrival of this precious baby boy.  Our day on Monday, October 8th, was one I'll never forget. We spent the entire day at the hospital with "H's" family, who are now our family. Her sister and her two adorable kiddos, her Mom and Stepdad, her Dad, and her best friend. They welcomed us with open arms and our relationship with them has been a dream come true ever since that day. At 5:25pm, Samuel Steven entered the world and was welcomed into a wonderful, huge, blended, loving family. He was 6 lbs, 19.5 inches long, and pure perfection. Even more awesome, he was born on our 7th wedding anniversary! I love how God puts His stamp on things.

Unfortunately, as has been the case with our entire journey to parenthood, the road became bumpy. Samuel's birthfather has contested the adoption and we are currently in a legal battle to keep this precious baby.  I cannot post details about the case (including why we are so adamant about keeping Samuel safe and in our home and out of a violent situation which brought about the adoption plan to begin with), but we are currently praying for God to work in a mighty way and that we'll have the privilege of raising this precious boy! Every day with him so far has been a blessing, and we fall more in love with him each day!

Sometimes He Calms the Storm...

...and other times He calms His child (lyrics from Scott Krippayne).  We received a phone call this morning from CPO with the news that "J" had sent them a text message letting them know that she has changed her mind.  Failed adoption numero dos for the Irwins (so far, we're 0 for 3 in this parenting thing...1 miscarried pregnancy and 2 failed adoptions).  We are - of course - sad, and confused, and frustrated, and confused (oh, did I already say that?), but we also are 100% in support of "J's" decision.  This little guy was not our baby, and although we really hoped that we would be blessed with the opportunity to parent him, we fully stand behind "J" in this decision.  We also stand by our resolve to praise God when we win, and praise God when we lose (we got that quote from the movie Facing the Giants...if you haven't seen it yet, you totally should).  As hard as it was to get the phone call this morning, we actually see it as an answer to prayer.  We have been in the midst of a 2-week period of no communication from "J" and were becoming a bit anxious that this little guy's due date on the 13th would come and go, and we'd be left wondering.  It was hard to get the phone call from CPO this morning, but it would have been so much harder had "J" simply disappeared entirely.  Last night, as I was browsing through Pinterest (my latest fun pasttime), I came across a picture of Romans 12:12 written on a piece of paper.  When Steve woke up to go to work, I showed it to him, commenting on how perfect it was as we were waiting in the midst of a lot of unknowns.  It says:

"Rejoice and exult in hope; be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation; be constant in prayer"

I cling to that even now.  We are in no way giving up on this journey of becoming parents through adoption, and we are excitedly jumping right back into foster parenting with both feet as well (we'd put ourselves on hold for a bit, as the trip to Oklahoma for our pending adoption approached).  We absolutely love what CPO is doing through their ministry to birthmoms and are so glad to be involved with them, and will continue to be.  We still cling to the truth of the Bible that our God is awesome, sovereign, loving, and good.  All the time.  Even when we don't understand, even when we aren't necessarily "feeling it," we know that He is good.  Now that doesn't mean that we're happy with how things turned out, or that we aren't disappointed that our 3 1/2 year journey has been delayed yet again, nor does it take away the sting of the many upcoming babies happening among our family/friends as we continue to wait on something God has not yet revealed to us.  BUT...we can take a cue from Paul in Philippians 4:11-13 when he says, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength"  (and this dude was in prison as an innocent man, wrongly accused, when he wrote this!  If he can do it in those circumstances, we certainly can rejoice amidst ours)!

I spent most of the morning revising our Lifebook ("J" has the only hard copy, and we need to send a new one so CPO can start showing our profile to prospective birthmoms again).  Luckily, CPO has us create our Lifebooks in Shutterfly, so they are easy to reproduce.  Our current Lifebook was done last year after we moved to Kansas, so it was full of pictures with Norman.  Unfortunately, I had to replace all those pictures, since Norman is no longer with us (talk about adding salt to the wound, huh?).  It is all ready to go now, and we'll get it ordered/sent tonight or tomorrow.  Then, we wait...again.

We've been so blessed by the prayers, encouragement, support, virtual hugs, and excitement from our family and friends as we've been on this latest adoption journey these past 7 months since being chosen by "J."  We certainly appreciate all of it, and we are really doing ok.  We have a 6th anniversary to celebrate tomorrow, and although we'd hoped to be celebrating under different circumstances, we still have so much that we're thankful for.  God has brought us through so much these past 6 years, and I know there will be many more trials and tough times.  That's life, ya know?  The difference is that we have an incredible hope, and boy, has that hope been made more real to me in the past few years than ever.  We've been able to live in the knowledge that "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7).  That is the only way I can describe the peace we feel, because it sure isn't coming from us...we'd be wrecks if we didn't have it.

Still praising our God...

Where to start??

Whew, what a month! Our lives have been completely turned around (for the better) and we are loving it! Steve ended up with TWO job offers, but ultimately, the Kansas City job was a much better fit. He loved the Huntsville area, and it was a strong company, but he opted for the position that would give him experience better suited for a possible future (down the road, God-willing) with the National Weather Service as a forecaster, rather than digging further and further into the research and computer side of Meteorology. And my goodness, did he make the right choice! He is learning so much and getting some pretty incredible training with some amazing people. There are so many positives about this move that I can hardly even list them. We are much closer to my family (it cut the distance basically in half), I am not working full-time anymore (PRAISE GOD!), God provided an awesome apartment that is within walking distance to the most beautiful park (seriously…miles and miles of trails for walking/running/biking/horseback riding. It even has a Hot Air Balloon launch field! What?!), I am not working, Steve loves his job and is being challenged, Norman is much more comfortable in our new apartment, and did I mention…I’m not working?! I am just feeling so blessed by this new life…I feel like after 5 years of marriage (we just celebrated our 5th Anniversary October 8th) we are just getting started on the life of which we have dreamed. And it affirms that our decision to send Steve back to school for this second bachelor’s degree was the right one. God has provided confirmation after confirmation for us, and how cool is that? So anyways…about our new life…

Steve got the job offer(s) while I was in New York last month, so we had to basically consult via phone regarding this decision that would affect our lives in a pretty huge way. The positive side of that…although I was more than happy to leave many parts of my job, I was also very reluctant to leave it (I worked at the most amazing company, with the most amazing people, making a very decent salary with amazing benefits and perks)…so being in New York helped me escape the reality of “oh my goodness, I need to turn in a 2 week notice!” Yes, you read that right…Steve’s new company wanted him to start October 1st (we were able to push them out to the 4th). Not much time to wrap things up in OKC, that’s for sure! But we knew it would happen quickly when it happened, and certainly weren’t complaining about things, because STEVE HAD A JOB!! My trip to New York ended up being a pretty awesome “last hurrah” for my life as a career woman, because I got to fly out on the jet!

We were riding in style!

This is my sweet co-worker. I miss seeing her every day...she is such a wise woman of God!

Needless to say, commercial air travel will never be the same for me again. Haha!

Here is another awesome thing we saw in NY. God’s creation is breathtaking!

Our last two weeks in Oklahoma were quite a whirlwind. It happened to include the only two weekends that we actually had made plans (go figure). Steve’s folks arrived in OK the day I returned from NY, as we had been planning to go to the OU vs. Air Force game that weekend (Steve’s dad is an Air Force Academy graduate) and they ended up being a tremendous help. Steve’s mom is probably the best packer I know. She was a life saver in helping me get the kitchen, pantry, knick knacks, and many other things wrapped securely and packed (did I mention she is FAST?!). We could not have done this move without them. For reals. They were with us through the weekend and then went back to CA knowing that in just about 9 days, they’d be back. That is the best way to say goodbye…knowing they will be back soon! Then, the following weekend, we had already planned a Kansas City weekend with some members of my family. It is a great “halfway point” between MN and OKC, so many Kansas City weekends happened with various family and friends during our 4 years in Oklahoma. Even though the timing was a bit crazy, I knew I’d probably actually need a weekend of just relaxing, playing some cards, watching football, and laughing with my people, so we kept it on. And I am so glad we did. We were also able to take a car load of stuff up to our new apartment! Nice! Thanks, Dad, for helping us unload that first car load!

When we returned to Oklahoma City that Monday, the rest of the week is seriously a blur. I was blessed to have great groups of friends in Oklahoma and I was trying to cram as much time in with them as I could…and it still just wasn’t enough. I sure miss them! Another plus of being in Kansas City…it’s not far to go back to OK for a visit either! I worked the rest of the week (my final week at Chesapeake…bittersweet), and Steve’s folks came out again for the remainder of the packing/loading/moving extravaganza. We filled a 26-foot truck, people! How in the world can a couple that has been married only 5 years fill a 26-foot truck, plus three (actually, four, including our pre-move trip) carloads of stuff?! Phew! Which explains my new part-time job, for the time being. SELL STUFF! I am having a blast just being able to “nest” in our new home, and simplify our lives by selling/donating things. It is just an awesome feeling.

Steve’s parents were again instrumental in the tail-end of the move as well. Have I mentioned that our new apartment is on the 3rd floor?? God bless the guys as they made numerous trips up those stairs with very heavy things. Steve’s mom was also extremely helpful in keeping Norman safe and happy. The poor pair was holed up in one of the bedrooms for much of two days. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mommers Irwin! I wanted to start the unpacking/nesting later that week (after the folks left), so on Monday, instead of unpacking, I decided to introduce my MIL to one of my absolute favorite parts of the Kansas City area…Country Club Plaza! We had such a fun day together, shopping, eating, lots of walking, and just enjoying each other’s company. I am so blessed to have ILs that I absolutely love.

Now that we have been here for a couple weeks, we are adjusting quite well. I am, of course, loving staying at home and getting our apartment in order, and Steve is doing great at his new job. His first two weeks consisted of training on the day shift before he switched over (this week) to his normal shift…1:00 am to 9:30 am. Crazy, huh? We got some killer blackout curtains (two layers, actually), and Steve even came up with the idea of using Velcro to attach them to the wall so that no light can leak through. It’s a pretty cool system, if I do say so myself (sorry, honey, for giving you a hard time about it pre-installation...you were right)! It’s pretty neat to have Steve come home around 10:00 am and have the day together (well, until he has to start getting ready for bed at around 4:00 pm). On Monday, we went to the park right after he got home and enjoyed a 3 mile walk! I love having him home during the day.

Today, we had our Home Study Update visit with a new Social Worker (our current adoption Home Study was done in Oklahoma, and we need to have it updated now that our living/job situation has changed…it now needs to be done by someone licensed in Kansas, hence today’s visit with a new Social Worker). We are now in the paper chase (abbreviated version) again as we wait for the Kansas Background Checks to clear and our new home study to be written up and sent to the agency. We are still able to use the same adoption agency, and we are so glad to be able to continue the process with them. We are sort of “on hold” while we wait for our home study to be updated, etc. (they can’t show our profile to birthmoms that are due anytime soon, just in case our home study update isn’t completed in time)…hopefully not for too long, though! And even though it stinks to have this delay, we knew from the beginning that this was likely, and I feel such a peace about where we are now. One thing we know for sure is that God is in complete control of the process, so it’s not like we are going to miss the child He has for us, ya know? Plus, it’s nice to not be “up in the air” anymore. We are here for awhile (at least) and can make our home here with confidence until God leads us somewhere else. And the bottom line is, each day we are closer to meeting our baby, and I could not be more excited for that!

Wow…this post has gotten long, but there have been so many things to update you all on! Let me know if you want our new contact info (I can send it via email). In the meantime, I have no excuses on not keeping up with the blog…especially since I have lots of quiet time in the evening now while Steve sleeps! I also have learned the art of quicker photo downloads (a perk of all my selling on Cra*gs L*st!) so I can include fun pictures of our new adventures. Quick prayer requests before I sign off:

*That I find a part-time (very part-time, preferably) job to supplement our income. Would love to either work from home or find a coffee-shop job or something like that
*That we can get plugged into a great church. We really miss our church in Edmond and are praying for God to lead us to a place where we can build some great relationships (since we have no family here…our church family will be our family)
*That our adoption process will continue to move forward as quickly as possible, but mostly for peace and patience during the dreaded wait
*That Steve will continue to adapt to his new schedule. God has really been providing in that area, and we pray that He will continue to do so

Thank you so much to everyone that has prayed for us, offered words of encouragement, and just been excited with us as we begin this next chapter in our lives! We are so blessed by each one of you!

But my life isn't interesting enough to blog...

Ha. I say that all the time. But then all of a sudden there are a bajillion updates. We definitely have had some great opportunities to trust God with things in our life that are a pretty big deal. You know, the usual...babies, jobs, moving. God is proving again and again that He is faithful (and also being patient enough with me to offer glimpses of encouragement even when I like to throw my tantrums about wanting things NOW). More in-depth updates to come, but here are a few tidbits, so you know what is on our prayer list and what we would be so blessed to add to yours (and we also want to know how we can pray for you!). Things got pretty crazy a couple months ago when this little guy started to have seizures.

I know he's "just" a dog, but for now, he is our baby, and seizures are never fun to witness. We made many trips to the vet (they love him there...and we love them) and our Norman is now on meds every 12 hours (sorta kills the social life, having to be home at 9 am and 9 pm every day...hehe). He is improving, though, and we are so thankful. More than 4 weeks seizure-free now, praise God!

We have also been enjoying the start of football season (Steve has even entered his first Fantasy Football league!), but can hardly believe Fall is here already. I do love Fall (except that it leads to Winter...boo). Tomorrow I get to jump headfirst into Fall as I travel to upstate New York for work. Business travel is one way to make a week fly! I think we might even get to see Niagara Falls...if so, I will definitely take pictures! The other fun thing about this trip is that I get to fly on the corporate jet. Rumor has it that they even stock the seats with candy! Looking forward to seeing if that is indeed true...

No new news on the adoption front. Thanks so much to everyone that has supported us with encouraging words, surprise notes, prayers, and even buying coffee! We are officially "waiting"...and I'm not gonna lie...this whole "waiting" thing is turning out to be a bit overrated (hehe). Many prayers for patience are coming out of this heart. I have still struggled a bit with hearing that everyone (seriously...ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a tiny bit, but not by much) is pregnant. And it's not even that I want to be pregnant (it would actually put our adoption on hold), but man, I just long for that baby NOW and it's so hard to wait and trust God's timing in all this, especially since adoption is such an unknown timeline. I have to be honest in saying that the idea that we could be waiting years definitely frightens me and discourages me a little. Comparison is never a good thing. My aunt put it very well when she said "I refuse to look to the right or to the left, or to compare myself with those who are more or less successful than I am. Those comparisons bear rotten fruit: either pride or despair." So true, and I'm so guilty of it. Constantly looking at one of the 5 (yes FIVE) people on my floor at work that are "drinking the water" and wonder why am I the only one that can't do this? Like I'm a total failure because I haven't been able to get pregnant in 2 1/2 years. Yet I am so passionate about the path God has opened for us in adoption...I just want it to move much faster. I strive to be at peace with my "now" so that I don't settle even for good, when God wants to offer me His best. When looked at that way, who could even argue that this wait - long or short - isn't worth waiting for? I want to take every thought captive (especially those that Satan throws in there that say "you know this isn't going to happen for you" or "you aren't a mother; therefore, you just don't fit"...those have been hammered at me a lot lately) and replace it with God's truth, like Jeremiah 29:11's "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I cannot wait for that day, but I also must rejoice in the journey. Whew...better save more of that for another post. This "quick update" could get long.

The other big excitement is Steve's job search. After graduation in May, things were pretty slow on the career front. But within the last month or two, things have started rolling. We were blessed with several phone interviews and Steve had two in-person interviews last week! One in Huntsville, AL, and one in Shawnee, KS. Both went extremely well (the one in Huntsville is already drafting an offer!), and we are hoping to have a big announcement within the next week...stay tuned!

So yeah, big changes on the horizon I think. And many things on the prayer list. Praying for our adoption process to continue to move forward, but most importantly for peace during the agonizing wait. Praying for Steve's job situation and discernment in that process. Praying for our potential move, and the logistics that go along with that (including my job situation following said potential move). God has proven his faithfulness over and over, and we are so excited to see where He leads us next!

BIG NEWS!!

We are so excited to (finally) officially announce…

WE ARE ADOPTING!!!

God has been stirring our hearts for quite some time, and we have taken the exciting step toward becoming parents through the blessing of adoption! I can’t even explain how ecstatic we are about this journey. For many months (years, actually), we have longed for a child, and we are thrilled to be moving forward! We found an incredible agency, Crisis Pregnancy Outreach in Tulsa, OK, and strongly believe in their mission. One thing that really stands out to us is their mission of not providing babies for families, but instead, they provide families for babies. As a crisis pregnancy center, their main focus is to minister to birthparents that are making an incredible decision to choose life. They support birthmoms that choose adoption, but also those that choose to parent their babies themselves. Steve and I have become huge advocates of the open adoption process as we’ve prayed about our own journey, and are excited to (hopefully) be able to minister to a young lady that will ultimately become a part of our family, in whatever capacity that may end up being (this could be pictures and letters, or it could be frequent contact through visits. We’re excited about the potential!).

The process of adoption is bittersweet, and we pray every day for the birthparents of our future child. The decision she will be (or, possibly is currently) making will be one of the most difficult, grief-filled decisions she will ever have to make. And it will lead to the happiest moment of our lives, as the baby we have prayed for and longed for is placed into our arms. One incredible moment, two extremely different perspectives - one huge contradiction. For this reason, we would love for you to join us in praying for this process and everyone involved. We pray that God places a shield of protection over the birthparents and this precious baby; that He gives a peace that passes all understanding; and that above all, God is glorified through our lives and this entire process. It is such an amazing thing to be a part of.

So…you may be asking…what’s next? Well, we are definitely on our way with what is affectionately called “the paper chase.” It’s incredible what is required in order to complete a home study, but for my type-A, list-making personality…I thrive on the chase! And there is certainly nothing I’ve been more excited about, which makes the fingerprinting, background checking, and document chasing worth every second. We have our home study interview with the social worker scheduled for Tuesday, July 13th. We’ve already sent our “life book” to the agency, and our adoption mentor said they’d start showing it to potential birthmoms as soon as they receive it. Since we will be hand-picked by the birthparents, there is no telling how long the process will ultimately take…it could be a few months, or it could be a few years. We are completely at peace knowing that God’s timing is absolutely perfect and that His hand has been guiding us this entire time. Hopefully that peace will continue as we complete the home study and start the “hurry up and wait” part of the process!

One of the cool tools we have found in order to raise funds for our adoption and the related expenses is this website: http://www.justlovecoffee.com/Irwin2010Adoption.

As a coffee lover, this is right up my alley! Just Love Coffee is company that sells 100% Fair Trade specialty coffees produced from the places that do coffee best. According to their website, Just Love Coffee selects “only Fair Trade coffees from small farmers so that we are helping those farmers, who labor to bring us such wonderful coffees, earn a living wage. We roast our coffees to order so that you are receiving the freshest coffee possible every time.” Yum! Sounds delicious, doesn’t it? If you order using our family’s link provided above, a portion of the sales will benefit our adoption and help defray some of the costs related to the process. Our site is being set up as we speak, so it should be up and running soon! Check back often, and place your order for some tasty coffee once our site is active! We’d love your support in this endeavor, but mostly we covet your prayers. Prayers for us as God prepares us for parenthood, prayers for the birthparents as they go through this decision and their pregnancy, and prayers for Crisis Pregnancy Outreach as they continue their awesome ministry to these girls.

Thanks so much for your support, your excitement, and walking through these past couple years in our journey toward parenthood which has certainly not been the one we had envisioned (but we trust God that it is so much better than our plans were)!

Thoughts...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
- C.S. Lewis

I came across this quote and realized that it pretty much nails it on the head for me right now. There are times when I see what God is doing and has done in my life over the past 4 years and know that I have been deep in the Refiner's fire. What a great place to be, right? That is truly my ultimate goal...to be refined by Him so that He can use me in ways I can't even imagine. But oh, those tiny little things that get in the way called circumstances...I have such a hard time getting myself to see past those and grasp the bigger picture.

I'll be completely honest...this time in Oklahoma (which has also coincided with almost my entire marriage) has been probably the loneliest of my life so far. It's definitely not due to the marriage part, because I have the best, most supportive, most encouraging, most challenging husband who is pushing me to be a better person than I am - yet loves me for who I am right now. I have always found my value in the number of friends I have, or how busy I can be, or how productive I am. If I started feeling icky about something, I would just run and change my situation. I had so many adventures prior to being married, including many theater experiences, moving out to California for 15 months, a few different jobs. And I also have been so blessed with an amazing family. So we move to Oklahoma and the excitement is there...we are going to try something new, start this brand new life together, change the world...you know the drill. I think we both took for granted that we'd jump right into a church, immediately find our "family" there, and have tons of friends and lots of fun. It really hasn't happened that way. I have a few token girlfriends (that have been such a blessing) and Steve has his acquaintances at school (to whom he's more like the "old guy"...at the ripe old age of 28...haha), but in terms of our life here thus far, it's been more of a "it's just you and me, kid" sort of existence. I don't think it's because people here don't care, I think it's that God had some work to do in both of us, and I know that this experience has been used to refine me, my character, and my walk with Him. Only I kinda don't feel like we're on the best of terms, God and me. I have always "felt" good, with so many people around me, loving me, and making me feel valued, that I don't know if I ever learned how to find my value in God alone. There have been moments where I have felt an overwhelming peace and knew that it was His protection around me, but lately, I think I have been seeing a whole lot of "I can see God's love for so-and-so, but I'm not so much feelin' it here." Again, with the circumstances. I see things that I am wishing for, praying for, longing for, happening to "everyone else" and wonder when it will be my turn. My focus has been so off.

Our pastor said something today that struck me. And it's actually something that I've heard before, but I think I really need to dig in and do my homework on this. He said something to the effect of (my own paraphrase) "We may be in the middle of a huge storm in our lives, and when we are in it, it's hard to see the end of it. We have to believe and trust in who God says He is, and in that, we can know that He will bring us through that storm. Or at least provide lulls in the storm so that we can have rest." Or something. I am so not wording it as well as he put it. Anyway, what I got out of it is that I need to focus on the attributes of God - who He is - and that is where I can find my peace, my contentment, and my value. My mother-in-law gave us a couple books by A.W. Tozer that describe the Attributes of God and I think I need to really hit those hard and use this time of "lonely" to grasp the reality of who God is. I have so many truths in my head and I really do believe those. But so much of human nature is feeling, and I'll admit that my feeling of being "left out" of the cool blessings I'm seeing happen to those around me is probably based on the fact that my circumstances have always been changeable to me. I only had to rely on myself (and then thank God for how great I felt because He did such great things in my world). Steve has been telling me a lot lately that I need to stop relying on myself (I'm always saying things like "I'm not the only woman in the world who has the pressure of supporting her family right now, so I just need to suck it up" or "I just need to learn how to be happy in this" or "I...." or "I...." - you get the picture). If I'm being totally honest with myself (or Steve, or God, which I finally have been lately and it's helped to verbalize this), I think that deep down, I don't want to rely on God to help me get through each crappy day at work, or lonely day at home, because I'm really not so happy with what He's done so far (so why would I want Him to be in charge of the rest?). I know...how awful is that? And I knew it was awful, so I tried to fool myself into thinking I didn't really feel that way because it's not a good way to be and I "shouldn't" feel that way. But was I really fooling anyone? And even more-so, was I fooling God, who created me, knows my innermost being, and my thoughts before they are even thought? Yeah, probably not. So now, I really need to pray for God to do a complete change in me. I certainly can't do it on my own. I don't like my life right now. So in order to find contentment in where God has put me at this very moment for such a time as this, I need His help. I'm not quite sure how to do that, exactly, but I know that I serve a God that wants nothing more than to draw me into His presence, and that's all I need to know...

Patience...

This is one of those "just things that are on my heart" blog entries. Cuz that is part of what a blog is for, right?

It's no secret that Steve and I are SO SO SO excited to be parents. Our original plan (more for practical purposes) was to wait until Steve graduates and then start our family. Then...surprise! We got pregnant in April 2008. Man, we were so happy and excited about that. I have wanted to be a mom since I was, well, probably 3 :) Then...miscarriage. Unexpected. Awful. Devastating. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. But still, we had hope. We got pregnant "on accident" the first time, so we'll just wait the prescribed time and start trying again, right? No problem. Well, turns out God is working on us in the meantime and here we are...November 2009, and still no baby, no pregnancy, nothing. I'm not going to lie when I say it is starting to ache as I find out every week that another person (or 2 or 3) is pregnant. Such happy news. Getting so hard to hear. Frustrated with myself for feeling less than ecstatic with each additional one. Wishing I could get that "head over heels excited" feeling back.

On the other hand. We have always planned to adopt. Our hearts are so on fire for it...more now than ever (and I don't consider it a "plan b," but previously, it's been more of a "wait until we have biological kids and then save up and adopt later" kind of thing). We are starting to wonder if God is leading us in that direction now. That maybe we aren't getting pregnant because there is a child that God wants to bless us with via adoption and we wouldn't pursue that avenue yet if we had biological kids first. We are starting to analyze everything. We know that there are many practical reasons to wait to start the process (though we know that it is a lengthy process), such as the fact that Steve graduates in May and we don't know where we will be ending up. Or the fact that we don't have the finances set aside yet. Or that we want this SO badly that we don't want it to be our own desires, but the Lord's leading, and when it is such a strong desire, how can you tell? BUT...we also know that we don't serve a God that works only in the practical realm. He is the God of the Universe! In fact, He does His most awesome work when things seem quite impractical or impossible. So we don't want to underestimate what He can and will do if it is truly His leading.

I want to be obedient, and I want to further God's kingdom. I want to be fruitful and multiply, regardless of the avenue. Most of all, I want to be a mommy. I am having a hard time being patient...

Pray for Abby...

I'd like to introduce you to an incredible family--one that I have not yet actually met in person. I have been following the Riggs family blog for quite awhile, actually, but feel led to send out a call to prayer, as this precious girl battles cancer (and many effects on top of it). Her family is just amazing...for me to try to explain would not do them justice, so just go and check them out here and see for yourself. God is truly using them in incredible ways, and they are real people with humble hearts and extraordinary faith. And...I just found out they live in Oklahoma! I totally want to see how I can help (me and about a zillion others, I'm sure). Please pray for little Abby and her family...they are a blessing to so many, even while they are dealt this very excruciating situation.

Hardest Days So Far...

I hadn't even officially announced our pregnancy yet on this blog, but I must now share some disheartening news. We lost our first baby 10 weeks 1 day into our pregnancy, and I had surgery yesterday to "finish the job." Everything was going perfectly, we had seen a strong heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks along, and there was really nothing to prepare us for what has happened. We are obviously heart broken over our loss, but have been carried through by the prayers of many. Since we discovered that we were expecting, we have said that this baby is not ours to hold onto, but a gift from God for as long as His timing allows. Of course that was easier to say when there was still a little one inside, but we still cling to the truth that God is good...all the time. We have received so much support from loved ones (most of which are far away, but their prayers are felt in a very real way). We are thankful for the short time we had with our little one (of course the heartbreak kinda trumps the thankfulness right now, but that will ease), and we are hopeful for the future.

I must say that Steve has been my rock during this ordeal. This is very much his loss, too, yet he has carried me with such grace. I am amazed by him more and more...and cannot even describe how thankful I am for my wonderful husband. He sure will make a great Daddy someday.

Please Pray

I just heard on the radio that Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter Maria was killed in a horrible car accident yesterday evening. The Chapman family is an amazing example of God's work in the American family, and they are huge advocates for adoption (which I am passionate about as well). Steven Curtis Chapman's music touches many, and I know their family could use some prayers of their own right now.