Thoughts...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
- C.S. Lewis

I came across this quote and realized that it pretty much nails it on the head for me right now. There are times when I see what God is doing and has done in my life over the past 4 years and know that I have been deep in the Refiner's fire. What a great place to be, right? That is truly my ultimate goal...to be refined by Him so that He can use me in ways I can't even imagine. But oh, those tiny little things that get in the way called circumstances...I have such a hard time getting myself to see past those and grasp the bigger picture.

I'll be completely honest...this time in Oklahoma (which has also coincided with almost my entire marriage) has been probably the loneliest of my life so far. It's definitely not due to the marriage part, because I have the best, most supportive, most encouraging, most challenging husband who is pushing me to be a better person than I am - yet loves me for who I am right now. I have always found my value in the number of friends I have, or how busy I can be, or how productive I am. If I started feeling icky about something, I would just run and change my situation. I had so many adventures prior to being married, including many theater experiences, moving out to California for 15 months, a few different jobs. And I also have been so blessed with an amazing family. So we move to Oklahoma and the excitement is there...we are going to try something new, start this brand new life together, change the world...you know the drill. I think we both took for granted that we'd jump right into a church, immediately find our "family" there, and have tons of friends and lots of fun. It really hasn't happened that way. I have a few token girlfriends (that have been such a blessing) and Steve has his acquaintances at school (to whom he's more like the "old guy"...at the ripe old age of 28...haha), but in terms of our life here thus far, it's been more of a "it's just you and me, kid" sort of existence. I don't think it's because people here don't care, I think it's that God had some work to do in both of us, and I know that this experience has been used to refine me, my character, and my walk with Him. Only I kinda don't feel like we're on the best of terms, God and me. I have always "felt" good, with so many people around me, loving me, and making me feel valued, that I don't know if I ever learned how to find my value in God alone. There have been moments where I have felt an overwhelming peace and knew that it was His protection around me, but lately, I think I have been seeing a whole lot of "I can see God's love for so-and-so, but I'm not so much feelin' it here." Again, with the circumstances. I see things that I am wishing for, praying for, longing for, happening to "everyone else" and wonder when it will be my turn. My focus has been so off.

Our pastor said something today that struck me. And it's actually something that I've heard before, but I think I really need to dig in and do my homework on this. He said something to the effect of (my own paraphrase) "We may be in the middle of a huge storm in our lives, and when we are in it, it's hard to see the end of it. We have to believe and trust in who God says He is, and in that, we can know that He will bring us through that storm. Or at least provide lulls in the storm so that we can have rest." Or something. I am so not wording it as well as he put it. Anyway, what I got out of it is that I need to focus on the attributes of God - who He is - and that is where I can find my peace, my contentment, and my value. My mother-in-law gave us a couple books by A.W. Tozer that describe the Attributes of God and I think I need to really hit those hard and use this time of "lonely" to grasp the reality of who God is. I have so many truths in my head and I really do believe those. But so much of human nature is feeling, and I'll admit that my feeling of being "left out" of the cool blessings I'm seeing happen to those around me is probably based on the fact that my circumstances have always been changeable to me. I only had to rely on myself (and then thank God for how great I felt because He did such great things in my world). Steve has been telling me a lot lately that I need to stop relying on myself (I'm always saying things like "I'm not the only woman in the world who has the pressure of supporting her family right now, so I just need to suck it up" or "I just need to learn how to be happy in this" or "I...." or "I...." - you get the picture). If I'm being totally honest with myself (or Steve, or God, which I finally have been lately and it's helped to verbalize this), I think that deep down, I don't want to rely on God to help me get through each crappy day at work, or lonely day at home, because I'm really not so happy with what He's done so far (so why would I want Him to be in charge of the rest?). I know...how awful is that? And I knew it was awful, so I tried to fool myself into thinking I didn't really feel that way because it's not a good way to be and I "shouldn't" feel that way. But was I really fooling anyone? And even more-so, was I fooling God, who created me, knows my innermost being, and my thoughts before they are even thought? Yeah, probably not. So now, I really need to pray for God to do a complete change in me. I certainly can't do it on my own. I don't like my life right now. So in order to find contentment in where God has put me at this very moment for such a time as this, I need His help. I'm not quite sure how to do that, exactly, but I know that I serve a God that wants nothing more than to draw me into His presence, and that's all I need to know...

Wait

Wait

By Russell Kelfer


Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Patience...

This is one of those "just things that are on my heart" blog entries. Cuz that is part of what a blog is for, right?

It's no secret that Steve and I are SO SO SO excited to be parents. Our original plan (more for practical purposes) was to wait until Steve graduates and then start our family. Then...surprise! We got pregnant in April 2008. Man, we were so happy and excited about that. I have wanted to be a mom since I was, well, probably 3 :) Then...miscarriage. Unexpected. Awful. Devastating. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. But still, we had hope. We got pregnant "on accident" the first time, so we'll just wait the prescribed time and start trying again, right? No problem. Well, turns out God is working on us in the meantime and here we are...November 2009, and still no baby, no pregnancy, nothing. I'm not going to lie when I say it is starting to ache as I find out every week that another person (or 2 or 3) is pregnant. Such happy news. Getting so hard to hear. Frustrated with myself for feeling less than ecstatic with each additional one. Wishing I could get that "head over heels excited" feeling back.

On the other hand. We have always planned to adopt. Our hearts are so on fire for it...more now than ever (and I don't consider it a "plan b," but previously, it's been more of a "wait until we have biological kids and then save up and adopt later" kind of thing). We are starting to wonder if God is leading us in that direction now. That maybe we aren't getting pregnant because there is a child that God wants to bless us with via adoption and we wouldn't pursue that avenue yet if we had biological kids first. We are starting to analyze everything. We know that there are many practical reasons to wait to start the process (though we know that it is a lengthy process), such as the fact that Steve graduates in May and we don't know where we will be ending up. Or the fact that we don't have the finances set aside yet. Or that we want this SO badly that we don't want it to be our own desires, but the Lord's leading, and when it is such a strong desire, how can you tell? BUT...we also know that we don't serve a God that works only in the practical realm. He is the God of the Universe! In fact, He does His most awesome work when things seem quite impractical or impossible. So we don't want to underestimate what He can and will do if it is truly His leading.

I want to be obedient, and I want to further God's kingdom. I want to be fruitful and multiply, regardless of the avenue. Most of all, I want to be a mommy. I am having a hard time being patient...

4 Years Ago...

Wow...has it been 4 years already? Steve and I celebrated our 4th Anniversary on Thursday (October 8th). He surprised me by sending flowers at work. Aren't they beautiful?!

Happy Anniversary, baby! I love you!

So much to catch up on...

Man, I have waited too long to post. Where did the summer go? Our trip to MN in June (pics still to be posted...stay tuned) seems like a second ago in some ways, yet in others, it seems like forever. What else have we been up to??

July brought a visit from Steve's parents to help us with some big projects around the house. We are getting it on the market just in case we move when Steve finishes school in May. YES...I said May! I am so excited that we are on the home stretch. Less than 8 months to go! It has been no secret that this has been much tougher than I thought it would be, being the breadwinner of our family while Steve is in school. So many things I would have done differently, yet also a great many things God has used to refine us (and continues to do so). Anyhow, back to the projects. The guys did some awesome stuff that week. They cut out a portion of the carpet by the back door and installed wood flooring.

Didn't they do a great job? They also fixed our cement step going out to our back patio. And they hung our bikes in the garage. It's a huge relief to have those things finished, and of course it makes it even more bittersweet to be selling the house, having it fixed up so nicely. But we will love the freedom and ability to pick up and move quickly if needed, so it will all be worth it.

In August, I traveled to Houston for work for 2 weeks. It was pretty neat, as I was traveling with the President of our company (Chesapeake Midstream Partners, L.P.) and other bigwigs from Chesapeake. When you travel with them, you travel in style. We stayed at the Four Seasons in downtown Houston (beautiful!) and were able to walk to the office where we worked during the week (my dream come true...I would love to either work from home or walk to work everyday). It was a great experience, even though I missed Steve and Norman tons. During my time in Houston, I was also introduced to my new favorite Starbucks drink...decaf skinny caramel macchiato. DELISH!!! I could drink those everyday, twice a day actually!

Soon after I returned from Houston, Steve took off for a week in California to visit his family. It was a great "last hurrah" before he had to start school again. Most of his time was spent at his folks' condo in Mammoth Lakes and he got lots of great fishing, hiking, and relaxing in. He even brought our "son" Junior with him (actually, Junior snuck in his suitcase...I have no idea how that happened). A little background on Junior: Steve gave him to me while we were dating back in October 2004. I decided his face looked like it was real, and started turning his head (and subsequently freaking Steve out...haha). Long story short...Junior has taken on a personality all his own and has become a part of the family. He's been a bit neglected since Norman came along (poor Junior), but he still makes an appearance every so often. He even came on Steve's dad's retirement flight with us and flew up in the cockpit with Captain (Grandpa) Irwin. Ok, so Junior could almost get a post of his own. Our families have embraced our silliness and played right along. Anyway...even Junior caught a fish while in Mammoth with Steve!

I wish I could have gone with the boys to Mammoth (I have actually never been there in the summertime), but I had to work since I used my vacation for our trip to MN. Norman and I did, however, get to have some fun and met some of my family up in Kansas City for the weekend. There were 5 of us, and 4 dogs. It was such a great weekend. We played cards, dominoes, and just hung out. So refreshing! And the best part about it was that on my way home from Kansas City, Norman and I got to stop at the airport to pick up Steve!

Steve started his senior year at OU August 24th and the past 4 weeks have been a whirlwind! He's already 1/4 done with the semester (the end can't come soon enough). My brother Eric came to stay with us over Labor Day weekend, and while he was here, we got a phone call from my sister with some exciting news...SHE IS ENGAGED!!! Her fiance Matt proposed on the beach in Hilton Head, SC. My sister is a beach girl, so Matt could not have picked a better place. I am so pumped for them! We love Matt so much, and are excited to officially have him as a part of our family! Here is a picture of the cute couple (this was taken while we were all in MN in June).

Perfect couple, yes?? Matt has made my sister so happy, and I love seeing the sparkle in her eyes. God is good! So now we have another thing to look forward to in addition to Steve's graduation this spring!

Finally, last weekend I headed back to Kansas City for a girls weekend with my best friend Gretchen. I will post all of the fun pictures from that trip (see how much you have to look forward to?!?) soon. MN trip first, I think.

This weekend, we had the pleasure of celebrating this sweet boy's first birthday! A wonderful way to spend our Saturday afternoon! I have also been working very hard at getting our house ready to be listed. I'm having a great time selling things on Craig's List...and our pile to go to Goodwill is massive! If I had it in me, I'd do a garage sale, but I just don't think that's feasible...so Goodwill donation it is!

Whew! That is my last few months in a nutshell! I promise I won't keep you waiting long for the MN trip post and the KC Girls' Weekend post! Until then...

Another Field Trip!

Ok, so you probably think all I do at work is go on fun trips...this is only partially true :) I promise I work hard (and some long days! But that's another story...) but I am so blessed to work for a company that I absolutely love. And with it comes some pretty awesome perks, I'm not gonna lie. So my field trip last week was exciting. We went to tour some pre-fabrication plants in Guthrie, Chickasha, Elmore City (all in OK), and Gainesville, TX. All in one day. How did we cover so many miles in one day, you ask? Oh, did I forget to mention our mode of transportation????

Yes, we were taken around in a helicopter all day! It was so cool. I must admit, however, that I probably never need to ride in a helicopter again...my tummy was not as excited about the trip as the rest of me was. Luckily, no puking was involved, but I sure did wish I had packed the dramamine. BUT, it was well worth it to be able to go on such an adventure. I guess I wasn't meant to be a medi-flight nurse. Or a news traffic reporter. Or anything involving air-flight. Anyhow...back to the field trip. First, let me show you a picture of our gorgeous Chesapeake campus. Our CEO designed it after a college campus and I think it is beautiful!

Look at us all so hard at work while we waited for the helicopter to pick us up.

Aren't we dedicated employees? And yes...I do have a pink Chesapeake hard hat. Don't you love it?! Here is a picture of the entire lucky group of tourists.

We had the coolest pilots. They flew over our houses--well, if they were on the way, which mine was! Ours is the house in the middle. You can also see our neighbors in their backyard...haha. BTW...the houses on both sides of us are waiting for lucky new owners...any takers? You'd have some FABULOUS neighbors.

We also flew over the OU Football Stadium...

And...my sweet husband's home away from home...the National Weather Center (he was actually standing in that little roundabout taking our picture as we flew over!)...

What a once-in-a-lifetime experience, huh? Here are some more pictures from the day...Oklahoma actually has some pretty beautiful landscapes...who knew?!

Field Trip!

I went on my first Chesapeake business trip this week! It is actually the first time I have traveled for work since my little (well, 15 months...not so little) stint in California. This trip was to Fort Worth, TX...um, not quite the same as Orange County, CA, but still fun.

Since I started working at Chesapeake 9 months ago (wow, has it been that long?), I have learned so much about the oil & gas industry. This trip was an opportunity to see some things in action. My new position as a Financial Analyst for Business Strategy & Development allows me to view every facet of the business. My boss characterizes it well when he describes it as trying to take a drink from a fire hydrant. There is so much to learn! Seeing things in action first-hand was fascinating. Here are some pics...they were all taken with my BlackBerry, and some through the window of the truck, so excuse the quality. :)

This is a Pig Trap. I just love the name, so I had to take a picture. The pig trap (complete with a pig launcher and pig receiver...teehee) is used to clean the pipeline.

Here is one of our large Compressor Facilities. This is where they compress gas so they can send it to market down the pipeline. It is LOUD! Since this particular one is in an urban area, they had to build a building around the actual compressors to silence them. It's amazing how effective that is!

Here is another Compressor Facility. This one is in a more rural area, so no building required. See how huge those compressors are?

I also got to visit a construction site. These guys are hard at work...

Here is a pretty neat picture of several feet of pipe all strung together. The guy standing there is actually in the process of x-raying the pipe to be sure it fits regulatory and safety standards.

And...I just had to take a picture of my "Do Not Disturb" sign at the hotel. It cracked me up!

God really has blessed me with a great job at an amazing company!