What a beautiful place to live!

So when Steve was looking into places for us to live here in Kansas, he started out looking at various rental houses. We really wanted to have a fenced yard for Norman to play in (ok, so part of it was that we missed the luxury of our yard at our previous home and were thinking ahead to the winter and being able to just open the door for Norman to go out and go potty). Of course, as we are on a pretty tight budget now, the houses we could afford were not necessarily in the best neighborhoods, so we went back to apartment hunting. Steve called me while I was in NY and said “I think I found a place for us to live.” Well…this place was definitely a God-thing. Here’s why:

1) It is right by this amazing park (that’s what drew Steve to it in the first place) which is our main source of entertainment right now! Oh, and the park has a huge outdoor theatre which I cannot wait to (hopefully) be involved with next summer! More on the park in a bit…
2) When we wanted to get some pics of the actual apartment we were wanting to rent, Steve asked the Admin. Asst. at his company if someone there would mind going and taking some pictures for us (we didn’t want to put a deposit down without seeing it, but we also didn’t want to lose the apartment either)…turns out one of Steve’s co-workers lives not only in the complex, not only in our building, not only on our floor, but RIGHT ACROSS THE BREEZEWAY from our apartment. He went and took tons of pics for us (such a huge blessing!) and we felt so much more at peace about everything. And the other perk about having them as neighbors is that I was able to watch their super sweet 17-month-old son when he was sick and the guys needed to attend a training meeting at work. I have always wanted to have the free time to be able to bless someone like that (and actually I got the blessing, because I got to snuggle with a sweet little boy for 3 hours while he slept and cuddled on my lap).
3) My dad’s cousin’s wife found out we were moving to this area, she said “I wish I would have known…I lived in Kansas for awhile and was in THE BEST apartment complex. I would have told them where to live!” Well, guess what?! We’re in that complex! And she’s right…it is an awesome place to live.

Since we are on our tight budget due to my not working (BTW, right now…LOVING the trade off. May have to remedy the "not working" situation in the future, but for now, I’m very much enjoying some time being a stay-at-home-wife!), anyhow...we are trying to find lots of cheap (read: free) things to do for fun! We happen to be very close to the best park I’ve ever seen. Shawnee Mission Park has just about everything. We have been there at least 3-4 times a week since we moved here. They have miles and miles of paths and off-path trails. Beautiful trees, a huge lake with a marina and canoe/kayak rentals, an off –leash dog park with a beach (though the dog park area is not fenced in, so it will not be an off-leash park for Norman), horseback riding trails, and even a hot air balloon launch area (which is good, because I was wondering where in the world I was going to launch my hot air balloon from around here! haha). Here are some pictures from one of our recent visits to the park.

Such a regal beagle we have! And no, that is not a muzzle (people always ask that).

We saw some pretty fall colors...the leaves were just starting to change.

Norman and I also did some exploring by the lake...

There are seriously miles and miles of paths like this...AMAZING!

And *this* is my heart all in one photo frame...

Isn't that just beautiful? We feel so blessed to have it close-by! When I go up to MN for a visit next month, I'm going to bring back our cross-country skis...won't that be so much fun this winter?! I also cannot wait until we are pushing a stroller...that will be even better! Anyone that comes here for a visit will definitely be introduced to our park!

Where to start??

Whew, what a month! Our lives have been completely turned around (for the better) and we are loving it! Steve ended up with TWO job offers, but ultimately, the Kansas City job was a much better fit. He loved the Huntsville area, and it was a strong company, but he opted for the position that would give him experience better suited for a possible future (down the road, God-willing) with the National Weather Service as a forecaster, rather than digging further and further into the research and computer side of Meteorology. And my goodness, did he make the right choice! He is learning so much and getting some pretty incredible training with some amazing people. There are so many positives about this move that I can hardly even list them. We are much closer to my family (it cut the distance basically in half), I am not working full-time anymore (PRAISE GOD!), God provided an awesome apartment that is within walking distance to the most beautiful park (seriously…miles and miles of trails for walking/running/biking/horseback riding. It even has a Hot Air Balloon launch field! What?!), I am not working, Steve loves his job and is being challenged, Norman is much more comfortable in our new apartment, and did I mention…I’m not working?! I am just feeling so blessed by this new life…I feel like after 5 years of marriage (we just celebrated our 5th Anniversary October 8th) we are just getting started on the life of which we have dreamed. And it affirms that our decision to send Steve back to school for this second bachelor’s degree was the right one. God has provided confirmation after confirmation for us, and how cool is that? So anyways…about our new life…

Steve got the job offer(s) while I was in New York last month, so we had to basically consult via phone regarding this decision that would affect our lives in a pretty huge way. The positive side of that…although I was more than happy to leave many parts of my job, I was also very reluctant to leave it (I worked at the most amazing company, with the most amazing people, making a very decent salary with amazing benefits and perks)…so being in New York helped me escape the reality of “oh my goodness, I need to turn in a 2 week notice!” Yes, you read that right…Steve’s new company wanted him to start October 1st (we were able to push them out to the 4th). Not much time to wrap things up in OKC, that’s for sure! But we knew it would happen quickly when it happened, and certainly weren’t complaining about things, because STEVE HAD A JOB!! My trip to New York ended up being a pretty awesome “last hurrah” for my life as a career woman, because I got to fly out on the jet!

We were riding in style!

This is my sweet co-worker. I miss seeing her every day...she is such a wise woman of God!

Needless to say, commercial air travel will never be the same for me again. Haha!

Here is another awesome thing we saw in NY. God’s creation is breathtaking!

Our last two weeks in Oklahoma were quite a whirlwind. It happened to include the only two weekends that we actually had made plans (go figure). Steve’s folks arrived in OK the day I returned from NY, as we had been planning to go to the OU vs. Air Force game that weekend (Steve’s dad is an Air Force Academy graduate) and they ended up being a tremendous help. Steve’s mom is probably the best packer I know. She was a life saver in helping me get the kitchen, pantry, knick knacks, and many other things wrapped securely and packed (did I mention she is FAST?!). We could not have done this move without them. For reals. They were with us through the weekend and then went back to CA knowing that in just about 9 days, they’d be back. That is the best way to say goodbye…knowing they will be back soon! Then, the following weekend, we had already planned a Kansas City weekend with some members of my family. It is a great “halfway point” between MN and OKC, so many Kansas City weekends happened with various family and friends during our 4 years in Oklahoma. Even though the timing was a bit crazy, I knew I’d probably actually need a weekend of just relaxing, playing some cards, watching football, and laughing with my people, so we kept it on. And I am so glad we did. We were also able to take a car load of stuff up to our new apartment! Nice! Thanks, Dad, for helping us unload that first car load!

When we returned to Oklahoma City that Monday, the rest of the week is seriously a blur. I was blessed to have great groups of friends in Oklahoma and I was trying to cram as much time in with them as I could…and it still just wasn’t enough. I sure miss them! Another plus of being in Kansas City…it’s not far to go back to OK for a visit either! I worked the rest of the week (my final week at Chesapeake…bittersweet), and Steve’s folks came out again for the remainder of the packing/loading/moving extravaganza. We filled a 26-foot truck, people! How in the world can a couple that has been married only 5 years fill a 26-foot truck, plus three (actually, four, including our pre-move trip) carloads of stuff?! Phew! Which explains my new part-time job, for the time being. SELL STUFF! I am having a blast just being able to “nest” in our new home, and simplify our lives by selling/donating things. It is just an awesome feeling.

Steve’s parents were again instrumental in the tail-end of the move as well. Have I mentioned that our new apartment is on the 3rd floor?? God bless the guys as they made numerous trips up those stairs with very heavy things. Steve’s mom was also extremely helpful in keeping Norman safe and happy. The poor pair was holed up in one of the bedrooms for much of two days. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mommers Irwin! I wanted to start the unpacking/nesting later that week (after the folks left), so on Monday, instead of unpacking, I decided to introduce my MIL to one of my absolute favorite parts of the Kansas City area…Country Club Plaza! We had such a fun day together, shopping, eating, lots of walking, and just enjoying each other’s company. I am so blessed to have ILs that I absolutely love.

Now that we have been here for a couple weeks, we are adjusting quite well. I am, of course, loving staying at home and getting our apartment in order, and Steve is doing great at his new job. His first two weeks consisted of training on the day shift before he switched over (this week) to his normal shift…1:00 am to 9:30 am. Crazy, huh? We got some killer blackout curtains (two layers, actually), and Steve even came up with the idea of using Velcro to attach them to the wall so that no light can leak through. It’s a pretty cool system, if I do say so myself (sorry, honey, for giving you a hard time about it pre-installation...you were right)! It’s pretty neat to have Steve come home around 10:00 am and have the day together (well, until he has to start getting ready for bed at around 4:00 pm). On Monday, we went to the park right after he got home and enjoyed a 3 mile walk! I love having him home during the day.

Today, we had our Home Study Update visit with a new Social Worker (our current adoption Home Study was done in Oklahoma, and we need to have it updated now that our living/job situation has changed…it now needs to be done by someone licensed in Kansas, hence today’s visit with a new Social Worker). We are now in the paper chase (abbreviated version) again as we wait for the Kansas Background Checks to clear and our new home study to be written up and sent to the agency. We are still able to use the same adoption agency, and we are so glad to be able to continue the process with them. We are sort of “on hold” while we wait for our home study to be updated, etc. (they can’t show our profile to birthmoms that are due anytime soon, just in case our home study update isn’t completed in time)…hopefully not for too long, though! And even though it stinks to have this delay, we knew from the beginning that this was likely, and I feel such a peace about where we are now. One thing we know for sure is that God is in complete control of the process, so it’s not like we are going to miss the child He has for us, ya know? Plus, it’s nice to not be “up in the air” anymore. We are here for awhile (at least) and can make our home here with confidence until God leads us somewhere else. And the bottom line is, each day we are closer to meeting our baby, and I could not be more excited for that!

Wow…this post has gotten long, but there have been so many things to update you all on! Let me know if you want our new contact info (I can send it via email). In the meantime, I have no excuses on not keeping up with the blog…especially since I have lots of quiet time in the evening now while Steve sleeps! I also have learned the art of quicker photo downloads (a perk of all my selling on Cra*gs L*st!) so I can include fun pictures of our new adventures. Quick prayer requests before I sign off:

*That I find a part-time (very part-time, preferably) job to supplement our income. Would love to either work from home or find a coffee-shop job or something like that
*That we can get plugged into a great church. We really miss our church in Edmond and are praying for God to lead us to a place where we can build some great relationships (since we have no family here…our church family will be our family)
*That our adoption process will continue to move forward as quickly as possible, but mostly for peace and patience during the dreaded wait
*That Steve will continue to adapt to his new schedule. God has really been providing in that area, and we pray that He will continue to do so

Thank you so much to everyone that has prayed for us, offered words of encouragement, and just been excited with us as we begin this next chapter in our lives! We are so blessed by each one of you!

But my life isn't interesting enough to blog...

Ha. I say that all the time. But then all of a sudden there are a bajillion updates. We definitely have had some great opportunities to trust God with things in our life that are a pretty big deal. You know, the usual...babies, jobs, moving. God is proving again and again that He is faithful (and also being patient enough with me to offer glimpses of encouragement even when I like to throw my tantrums about wanting things NOW). More in-depth updates to come, but here are a few tidbits, so you know what is on our prayer list and what we would be so blessed to add to yours (and we also want to know how we can pray for you!). Things got pretty crazy a couple months ago when this little guy started to have seizures.

I know he's "just" a dog, but for now, he is our baby, and seizures are never fun to witness. We made many trips to the vet (they love him there...and we love them) and our Norman is now on meds every 12 hours (sorta kills the social life, having to be home at 9 am and 9 pm every day...hehe). He is improving, though, and we are so thankful. More than 4 weeks seizure-free now, praise God!

We have also been enjoying the start of football season (Steve has even entered his first Fantasy Football league!), but can hardly believe Fall is here already. I do love Fall (except that it leads to Winter...boo). Tomorrow I get to jump headfirst into Fall as I travel to upstate New York for work. Business travel is one way to make a week fly! I think we might even get to see Niagara Falls...if so, I will definitely take pictures! The other fun thing about this trip is that I get to fly on the corporate jet. Rumor has it that they even stock the seats with candy! Looking forward to seeing if that is indeed true...

No new news on the adoption front. Thanks so much to everyone that has supported us with encouraging words, surprise notes, prayers, and even buying coffee! We are officially "waiting"...and I'm not gonna lie...this whole "waiting" thing is turning out to be a bit overrated (hehe). Many prayers for patience are coming out of this heart. I have still struggled a bit with hearing that everyone (seriously...ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a tiny bit, but not by much) is pregnant. And it's not even that I want to be pregnant (it would actually put our adoption on hold), but man, I just long for that baby NOW and it's so hard to wait and trust God's timing in all this, especially since adoption is such an unknown timeline. I have to be honest in saying that the idea that we could be waiting years definitely frightens me and discourages me a little. Comparison is never a good thing. My aunt put it very well when she said "I refuse to look to the right or to the left, or to compare myself with those who are more or less successful than I am. Those comparisons bear rotten fruit: either pride or despair." So true, and I'm so guilty of it. Constantly looking at one of the 5 (yes FIVE) people on my floor at work that are "drinking the water" and wonder why am I the only one that can't do this? Like I'm a total failure because I haven't been able to get pregnant in 2 1/2 years. Yet I am so passionate about the path God has opened for us in adoption...I just want it to move much faster. I strive to be at peace with my "now" so that I don't settle even for good, when God wants to offer me His best. When looked at that way, who could even argue that this wait - long or short - isn't worth waiting for? I want to take every thought captive (especially those that Satan throws in there that say "you know this isn't going to happen for you" or "you aren't a mother; therefore, you just don't fit"...those have been hammered at me a lot lately) and replace it with God's truth, like Jeremiah 29:11's "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I cannot wait for that day, but I also must rejoice in the journey. Whew...better save more of that for another post. This "quick update" could get long.

The other big excitement is Steve's job search. After graduation in May, things were pretty slow on the career front. But within the last month or two, things have started rolling. We were blessed with several phone interviews and Steve had two in-person interviews last week! One in Huntsville, AL, and one in Shawnee, KS. Both went extremely well (the one in Huntsville is already drafting an offer!), and we are hoping to have a big announcement within the next week...stay tuned!

So yeah, big changes on the horizon I think. And many things on the prayer list. Praying for our adoption process to continue to move forward, but most importantly for peace during the agonizing wait. Praying for Steve's job situation and discernment in that process. Praying for our potential move, and the logistics that go along with that (including my job situation following said potential move). God has proven his faithfulness over and over, and we are so excited to see where He leads us next!

BIG NEWS!!

We are so excited to (finally) officially announce…

WE ARE ADOPTING!!!

God has been stirring our hearts for quite some time, and we have taken the exciting step toward becoming parents through the blessing of adoption! I can’t even explain how ecstatic we are about this journey. For many months (years, actually), we have longed for a child, and we are thrilled to be moving forward! We found an incredible agency, Crisis Pregnancy Outreach in Tulsa, OK, and strongly believe in their mission. One thing that really stands out to us is their mission of not providing babies for families, but instead, they provide families for babies. As a crisis pregnancy center, their main focus is to minister to birthparents that are making an incredible decision to choose life. They support birthmoms that choose adoption, but also those that choose to parent their babies themselves. Steve and I have become huge advocates of the open adoption process as we’ve prayed about our own journey, and are excited to (hopefully) be able to minister to a young lady that will ultimately become a part of our family, in whatever capacity that may end up being (this could be pictures and letters, or it could be frequent contact through visits. We’re excited about the potential!).

The process of adoption is bittersweet, and we pray every day for the birthparents of our future child. The decision she will be (or, possibly is currently) making will be one of the most difficult, grief-filled decisions she will ever have to make. And it will lead to the happiest moment of our lives, as the baby we have prayed for and longed for is placed into our arms. One incredible moment, two extremely different perspectives - one huge contradiction. For this reason, we would love for you to join us in praying for this process and everyone involved. We pray that God places a shield of protection over the birthparents and this precious baby; that He gives a peace that passes all understanding; and that above all, God is glorified through our lives and this entire process. It is such an amazing thing to be a part of.

So…you may be asking…what’s next? Well, we are definitely on our way with what is affectionately called “the paper chase.” It’s incredible what is required in order to complete a home study, but for my type-A, list-making personality…I thrive on the chase! And there is certainly nothing I’ve been more excited about, which makes the fingerprinting, background checking, and document chasing worth every second. We have our home study interview with the social worker scheduled for Tuesday, July 13th. We’ve already sent our “life book” to the agency, and our adoption mentor said they’d start showing it to potential birthmoms as soon as they receive it. Since we will be hand-picked by the birthparents, there is no telling how long the process will ultimately take…it could be a few months, or it could be a few years. We are completely at peace knowing that God’s timing is absolutely perfect and that His hand has been guiding us this entire time. Hopefully that peace will continue as we complete the home study and start the “hurry up and wait” part of the process!

One of the cool tools we have found in order to raise funds for our adoption and the related expenses is this website: http://www.justlovecoffee.com/Irwin2010Adoption.

As a coffee lover, this is right up my alley! Just Love Coffee is company that sells 100% Fair Trade specialty coffees produced from the places that do coffee best. According to their website, Just Love Coffee selects “only Fair Trade coffees from small farmers so that we are helping those farmers, who labor to bring us such wonderful coffees, earn a living wage. We roast our coffees to order so that you are receiving the freshest coffee possible every time.” Yum! Sounds delicious, doesn’t it? If you order using our family’s link provided above, a portion of the sales will benefit our adoption and help defray some of the costs related to the process. Our site is being set up as we speak, so it should be up and running soon! Check back often, and place your order for some tasty coffee once our site is active! We’d love your support in this endeavor, but mostly we covet your prayers. Prayers for us as God prepares us for parenthood, prayers for the birthparents as they go through this decision and their pregnancy, and prayers for Crisis Pregnancy Outreach as they continue their awesome ministry to these girls.

Thanks so much for your support, your excitement, and walking through these past couple years in our journey toward parenthood which has certainly not been the one we had envisioned (but we trust God that it is so much better than our plans were)!

Where have we been????

Wow...it has once again been awhile. I am such a blog slacker. It's been quite a busy few months here in the Irwin house. Back in March, our house sold (Praise God!) and we moved into an apartment (much to Norman's chagrin). Before our house sold, our realtor brought in a stager and our house looked like it belonged on HGTV! The ironic thing is that the guy who ended up buying our house saw the house the day *before* the stager came. So the whole staging deal was all for naught. Oh well, at least Steve and I got to enjoy a beautiful house before we closed! I have to admit, Steve and I were less than on-board when the realtor was insistent on a stager, but my goodness, look at the amazing work she did!

Here is the Master Bedroom (interesting choice to angle the bed):

Our Master Bathroom:

This picture cracks me up because our realtor brought in towels with the monogram "M" which reflects neither our name nor hers - they must have been on clearance...haha.

Living Room (I love, love, love the huge metal artwork she brought in for that wall!):

A view of our living and dining areas:

Another shot of the living room:

She purchased beautiful art for above our fireplace:

I also love what she did with the dining room, especially the big bowl of fake green apples:

We miss our house - A LOT - but are so, so, so thankful that we are now "unattached" and mobile if we need to move once Steve gets a job. God orchestrated the sale of our house just perfectly. We closed on the sale April 2nd, and in early May, there was a tornado that went through our old neighborhood and damaged several of the homes (including ours). We feel awful for the new homeowner, but have to admit we were so relieved that God sold the house before that happened. I can't imagine dealing with house repairs on top of trying to sell it, while preparing for Steve's graduation...all at once. Whew!

Speaking of Steve's graduation...that was actually just one of TWO big events in our family this spring. On April 24th, three weeks before the much-anticipated graduation event, my sister Christi married the love of her life and became Mrs. Matt Kunzweiler (is that not a super fun new last name?!). I had the huge privilege of being her Matron of Honor and I had the best time with her as we prepared for the big day. The wedding was in South Carolina and I was able to head out there a few days early. We had so much fun, and I once-again realized how blessed I am to have a big sister that I also call one of my best friends. Here are some pictures from the fabulous weekend!

The Wedding Party:

We took the pre-ceremony pictures at the home of Christi and Matt's good friends Mike and Colleen. They have a beautiful house and worked so hard to spruce things up for this occasion, affectionately referring to it as "Operation Biltmore" (after the famous Biltmore Estate in North Carolina).

Here is my new brother-in-law! This is such a great picture of him. We are so happy to have him in our family!

Here are my sweet parents. They're pretty stoked about this union as well! :) I miss you, Mom and Dad!

For the rehearsal, we made Christi a bow bouquet that was, in my completely unbiased opinion, one of the best ever made. :)

And here is the beautiful bride. Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married!

One of the reasons I love this picture (besides the obvious joy in Christi's face and her trademark Diet Coke in hand...hehe) is that we have the exact same shot from my wedding day. Not that Christi and I look alike or anything...haha...yes, we are definitely sisters!

After all of the partying, one of the flower girls spent some time "coloring"...didn't make it very far with the coloring. Adorable! I want a little girl just like her. She has the perfect mix of sweet and feisty!

Next was the big event we have been anxiously awaiting for almost four years...STEVE'S GRADUATION! On May 14th, Steve graduated with Special Distinction (yes, my husband is not only the sweetest, most gorgeous man on the planet, he's also a genius...sorry, ladies, he's taken!) from the University of Oklahoma School of Meteorology. I couldn't be more proud.

This is Steve and Dr. Carr, the Director of the School of Meteorology. He was probably Steve's best teacher (he taught two of Steve's dynamics classes) and has a super fun accent (he's from the East Coast). Around our house, he is affectionately known as "Dr. Cah"

The happy couple! Maybe ecstatic is a better word. It's been a LONG four years...we are so grateful to have gotten to this point (seriously only by God's grace). The weather forced an indoor graduation ceremony, but nothing was getting in the way of our happiness!

We were so blessed to have our families come from both Minnesota and California to attend the festivities. They have been such a strong support system for us, and we are so thankful for them!

My sister-in-law Dawn and me:

My mother-in-law and I have a great relationship...we wholeheartedly support one another's chocolate habit.

So...busy few months, huh?? On top of all that, I also have been involved in a musical theater production of "Annie!" This is the first show I have done since Fall 2008, and I am having such a fabulous time! We have already completed two weekends of performances and have one weekend left (June 18th and 19th). If you are in the OKC area, you should come! The Jewel Box Theatre has re-opened their outdoor amphitheatre for the first time in a decade! Also, our little Annie is INCREDIBLE. Here's proof...a video taken by a local news station at one of our rehearsals.

Here is a picture of our star. I'll try to get more pics of the show with some more of my castmates and post them soon!

Whew! Now that I have typed this out, my lack of blogging makes more sense :) Things are slowing down a bit, though, and I will be more on top of it. And...stay tuned for a very exciting announcement coming soon!! I know...the suspense tactic...hope it works! I promise I won't keep you waiting long.

Giveaway!

My sister-in-law Dawn started a blog to chronicle her new adventures in quilting (and she has become quite good at the whole quilting thing, if I do say so myself!). She recently posted a giveaway on her blog for a Stainless Steel Cuisinart Mini-Prep Food Processor! Check it out and enter! I love giveaways!

Oh, and while you're at it, check out some of the amazing quilt work she has done, too! She is so talented!!

Thoughts...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
- C.S. Lewis

I came across this quote and realized that it pretty much nails it on the head for me right now. There are times when I see what God is doing and has done in my life over the past 4 years and know that I have been deep in the Refiner's fire. What a great place to be, right? That is truly my ultimate goal...to be refined by Him so that He can use me in ways I can't even imagine. But oh, those tiny little things that get in the way called circumstances...I have such a hard time getting myself to see past those and grasp the bigger picture.

I'll be completely honest...this time in Oklahoma (which has also coincided with almost my entire marriage) has been probably the loneliest of my life so far. It's definitely not due to the marriage part, because I have the best, most supportive, most encouraging, most challenging husband who is pushing me to be a better person than I am - yet loves me for who I am right now. I have always found my value in the number of friends I have, or how busy I can be, or how productive I am. If I started feeling icky about something, I would just run and change my situation. I had so many adventures prior to being married, including many theater experiences, moving out to California for 15 months, a few different jobs. And I also have been so blessed with an amazing family. So we move to Oklahoma and the excitement is there...we are going to try something new, start this brand new life together, change the world...you know the drill. I think we both took for granted that we'd jump right into a church, immediately find our "family" there, and have tons of friends and lots of fun. It really hasn't happened that way. I have a few token girlfriends (that have been such a blessing) and Steve has his acquaintances at school (to whom he's more like the "old guy"...at the ripe old age of 28...haha), but in terms of our life here thus far, it's been more of a "it's just you and me, kid" sort of existence. I don't think it's because people here don't care, I think it's that God had some work to do in both of us, and I know that this experience has been used to refine me, my character, and my walk with Him. Only I kinda don't feel like we're on the best of terms, God and me. I have always "felt" good, with so many people around me, loving me, and making me feel valued, that I don't know if I ever learned how to find my value in God alone. There have been moments where I have felt an overwhelming peace and knew that it was His protection around me, but lately, I think I have been seeing a whole lot of "I can see God's love for so-and-so, but I'm not so much feelin' it here." Again, with the circumstances. I see things that I am wishing for, praying for, longing for, happening to "everyone else" and wonder when it will be my turn. My focus has been so off.

Our pastor said something today that struck me. And it's actually something that I've heard before, but I think I really need to dig in and do my homework on this. He said something to the effect of (my own paraphrase) "We may be in the middle of a huge storm in our lives, and when we are in it, it's hard to see the end of it. We have to believe and trust in who God says He is, and in that, we can know that He will bring us through that storm. Or at least provide lulls in the storm so that we can have rest." Or something. I am so not wording it as well as he put it. Anyway, what I got out of it is that I need to focus on the attributes of God - who He is - and that is where I can find my peace, my contentment, and my value. My mother-in-law gave us a couple books by A.W. Tozer that describe the Attributes of God and I think I need to really hit those hard and use this time of "lonely" to grasp the reality of who God is. I have so many truths in my head and I really do believe those. But so much of human nature is feeling, and I'll admit that my feeling of being "left out" of the cool blessings I'm seeing happen to those around me is probably based on the fact that my circumstances have always been changeable to me. I only had to rely on myself (and then thank God for how great I felt because He did such great things in my world). Steve has been telling me a lot lately that I need to stop relying on myself (I'm always saying things like "I'm not the only woman in the world who has the pressure of supporting her family right now, so I just need to suck it up" or "I just need to learn how to be happy in this" or "I...." or "I...." - you get the picture). If I'm being totally honest with myself (or Steve, or God, which I finally have been lately and it's helped to verbalize this), I think that deep down, I don't want to rely on God to help me get through each crappy day at work, or lonely day at home, because I'm really not so happy with what He's done so far (so why would I want Him to be in charge of the rest?). I know...how awful is that? And I knew it was awful, so I tried to fool myself into thinking I didn't really feel that way because it's not a good way to be and I "shouldn't" feel that way. But was I really fooling anyone? And even more-so, was I fooling God, who created me, knows my innermost being, and my thoughts before they are even thought? Yeah, probably not. So now, I really need to pray for God to do a complete change in me. I certainly can't do it on my own. I don't like my life right now. So in order to find contentment in where God has put me at this very moment for such a time as this, I need His help. I'm not quite sure how to do that, exactly, but I know that I serve a God that wants nothing more than to draw me into His presence, and that's all I need to know...